when things fall apart

This was supposed to be the year... 2011. This was the year of our Euro trip! It still is...but at this point things are looking bleak. 
Start of the year pa lang we knew it was this year...what month? Perhaps Aug-Sept.
Feb and March, we started researching seriously on costs and requirements.
April we decide the month and find out you can apply 90 days prior to your trip.
May we decide what destinations to go to...Chesca's here. But still not contacting the Embassy.
June serious planning...we're 4 months away and we start making appointments.
NOW, I find out it takes like 2 months to get an appointment! PLUS 3 to 4 weeks for processing... making it impossible to get the visa early on to buy a decently priced ticket. :(


DANG. I don't know if something will open up sooner. 
Timing is the key...and now I don't know how we can make this push thru. :(

Liking is for cowards. Go for what hurts.

Here's an excerpt from AJ (someone from LD)...


"Anyway, as I was going through my morning readings earlier, I came across an Op-Ed written at the NY Times entitled "Liking is for Cowards. Go for what Hurts." written by Jonanthan Franzen. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/29/opinion/29franzen.html?_r=4&hp&pagewanted=all

I highly suggest that you guys check it out. It's an assessment of how love can truly be experienced in our fast-paced, technology-driven world. During the LD weekend, we are invited to be in-love...and to be truly in-love in an absolute and final way. What I discovered is that love exists in relationships rather than in preference, outside manifestations (i.e. Choncho's inner-outer world dualism) or the idea of being "liked" in the Facebook sense. And being in-love is risking...many times, the greatest risk of our lives. Being left with nothing is a very real possibility...and so we need to leap towards our heart's desires with the possibility of rejection and failure. We jump not because rewards await us, but because only in that leap that we can find our home. "Liking" therefore is for cowards, while Loving, which many times will hurt us, is truly for those who wish to live and to live fully.
"

Do one thing every day that scares you

Do one thing every day that scares you.

I read that post from Moe. It reminded me how I've been pulling back from things for most part of my life because of fear. How many opportunities did I pass up because I was afraid of failing? How many experiences-- or even just ideas in my head, did I dismiss because I was afraid I couldn't do it? How many excuses have I made to justify that what I'm doing is okay, and there is nothing more that I would want to do?

Let's look back on some things I've been afraid of. Some of these go way back in GS and some I've already grown out of, but still fear in general paralyzes me from doing some things til now...
:: talking in front of people -- afraid id say something wrong
:: writing sentences and being creative -- my ideas might not be aligned with others'
:: being a leader -- why me, i dont know what to do
:: singing -- i cant hear myself and know if i'm in tune
:: pursuing implem or development work when i graduated -- afraid i wouldnt get another opportunity with same salary
:: transferring to implem within HP -- at first i thought i didnt know enough..and now it's just fear of starting over, plus not sure how i'd fit in with the people
:: finding work in another country -- would i survive alone?
:: meeting/dating guys -- what if it doesnt work out, i might lose a friend? also, i dont know how to put myself out-out there vulnerable again.

:: buying clothes -- does it look good on me, is it worth it, will i fit in?
:: trying new things -- i might not be good at it
:: business -- what if i loose my money

Challenge accepted! This 2011, this is what I'll focus on. Not daily, but perhaps more often than before. The 20+ new things for each birthday is still on, but i think this scary thing should be a good twist on that list.

randomness

the past 2 days, 2 different people randomly asked me some advice on relationships.
Hmm, what made them think I know anything??

After talking to them, I remembered this link I ready that was so relevant to me during the peak of my 'quarter life crisis'.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22864-what-to-know-when-youre-25ish

2011 Lenten reflection

i've let go the need to know why, for YOU know better than i
song: Better than I
from the movie Joseph: King of Dreams


I fell in love with that line from the song. I heard it from the online retreat created by the Jesuits.
I also loved the prayer here, intended to be prayed after you say all the things you ask from God...



But then, Lord,
I know in my heart of hearts
that more than myself,
You know what is best for me.
You want what is best for me.
And this moment, here and now,
I open my hands
and I open my heart
to receive that special gift
that You want to give to me today. 
Surprise me, Lord.
Amen.

Believing is an article of faith

Found this beautiful song... Article of Faith by Minus Ted


When you cannot find the twinkle of your lucky star
And the constellations won’t reveal your place
When your compass is wavering and you don’t know who you are
Believing is an article of faith

When you know that change is coming and it’s finally time
Desperation guides the chances that you take
When you've used up all your choices and you are shooting blind
Tomorrow is an article of faith

Get back to your cloud tops you angels of woe
I know you’d like to fly me to a darker place
If angels see everything you should already know
I’m just one breath ahead of you today

Like accidental children careening off of walls
Disappointment leaves the spirit in a heap
Everybody climbs the mountain and everybody falls
But you decide the sacraments you keep

So get back to your cloud tops you angels of woe
I know you would like to fly me to a darker place
If angels see everything you should already know
I’m just one breath ahead of you today.

When you cannot find the twinkle of your lucky star
And the constellations won’t reveal your place
When your compass is wavering and you don’t know who you are
Believing is an article of faith
Believing is an article of faith
Believing is an article of faith

plus can be downloaded here.

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Rough Patch

I've been having a difficult time at work for the past months. I know why but I don't know how to fix it. Remember my Germany trip last August? Let's just say I've been paying for that. I'm getting stressed with this new module which was the reason I was sent.

First, I'm having difficulty learning this new module. It's been 6 months since the trip, and I'm not confident to say that I truly understand this new module. I've got my faults because when I got back I was preoccupied with other roles and I was not able to put to practice what I learned. I really got practical experience only this January when I really started involving myself in the issues. Don't get me wrong, I've been learning. But I feel it's always a catch up. I feel that everyone else is learning more than me. Everyone else knows more than me.

I'm happy for them, I sure am! The problem is that, I'm supposed to be third level support for this module. They are supposed to escalate to me. But how can I support them when I know less? There's this expectation for me to be an expert in this field and right now I'm not. It's a good thing that Fabio is still here and we can escalate to him. But I don't know if I'm learning fast enough. I want to ask questions, but I'm afraid to look to stupid. L2, specially Benson, already has a lot of experience.

Sometimes when the whole situation sinks in, it just makes me sad. It makes me feel how I fall short of expectations. I want to cry. But i know it will not do me any good. But I just want a good cry because I know I'm not strong and I don't have what it takes. I'm failing.

I don't want to quit. I need help. I don't know how to ask for it. I don't want to keep on failing. I need help.

How Good People Turn Evil

Here's an article that was posted in facebook which I hope I don't lose. It's inspiring. It's challenging. It makes me look at myself and question if I have crossed over that line. I hope I remember to read this article whenever I'm faced at a situation that questions my values. Even more, I hope to be able to contribute to a tipping point for people to eradicate corruption in this country.


http://www.mariaressa.com/how-good-people-turn-evil-corruption-in-the-philippines/

“How Good People Turn Evil” – Corruption in the Philippines

Posted on January 31, 2011 by Maria Ressa

Last week’s expose by Lt. Col. George Rabusa ripped open a Pandora’s box of corruption that implicated three former military chiefs-of-staff. He is expected to reveal more including implicating former Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

3 legs of a relationship

On this day, God wants you to know

... that every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging. That's really it, isn't it? You want your relationships to be grounded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish.

I like this quote from Kay's status. It's so true about relationships - be it friendship, family or even romantic relationships. 

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Sing this to me please?

It was only last weekend that I noticed that there were more differences to Boyce Avenue's version of Teenage dream aside from the acoustic-ness of it... they changed the lyrics too! And it made it super sweet and romantic (not to mention wholesome). Awwwww. When I find the one in the future, can you please sing this to me? hehehe

Here's the video and lyrics (differences from Katy's in parenthesis)

I think you're pretty 

Without any makeup on 

I think you're funny 

When you tell the punchline wrong 

I knew you got me 

So you let your walls come down, down 

Before you met me 

I was alright, but things 

Were kinda heavy 

You brought me to life 

Now every February 

You'll be my Valentine, Valentine 

Let's just talk all through the night (Let's go all the way tonight)

There's no need to rush (No regrets, just love)

We can dance, until we die 

You and I, will be young forever 

[Chorus] 

You make me feel 

Like I'm livin' a Teenage dream 

The way you turn me on 

I can't sleep 

Let's run away and 

Don't ever look back, Don't ever look back 

My heart stops 

When you look at me 

Just one touch 

Now baby I believe 

This is real 

So take a chance and 

Don't ever look back, Don't ever look back 

When you're around me, (We drove to Cali)

Life's like a movie scene (And got drunk on the beach)

I wasn't happy, (Got a motel and)

Until you became my queen (Built a fort out of sheets)

I finally found you, 

My missing puzzle piece 

I'm complete 

I'mma get your heart racing 

If that's what you need, (In my skin-tight jeans)

In this teenage dream tonight (Be your teenage dream tonight)

Let you rest your head on me, (Let you put your hands on me)

If that's what you need, (In my skin-tight jeans)

In this teenage dream tonight, tonight, tonight 

Tonight 

Monday, January 03, 2011

25 THINGS TO DO IN THE PHILIPPINES …before fantasizing about exploring other countries

Got this link from Kay. Not bad, 9 of 25. :) 
http://lifestyle.inquirer.net/super/super/view/20101204-306875/25-THINGS-TO-DO-IN-THE-PHILIPPINES-


1. Go white water rafting in Cagayan de Oro. DONE!
2. Visit Batanes. I want to plan this out this year
3. See Mt. Mayon up close. DONE!... went to Legaspi last year and saw it from the viewing deck. :)
4. Swim with the whale sharks in Donsol. I want to plan this out this year
5. Climb Mt. Pulag and be awed by its sea of clouds.
6. Dive, swim and explore Palawan’s underground river. DONE!
7. Hike and let the view of Mt. Pinatubo crater take your breath away.
8. Party in your bikini in Boracay. DONE! had some drinks but not in my bikini hahaha
9. Surf’s up! Choose your wave—La Union, Zambales or Real, Quezon. totally pushing thru this 2011!
10. Missed out on the pristine beauty of Boracay 15 years ago? Visit Malapascua, Cebu. hopefully can be planned out for the August Cebu trip
11. Dive and see the rich marine life of Anilao, Batangas.
12. Travel back in time—go to Vigan. DONE!
13. Let Bohol wow you with its many offerings—the Chocolate Hills, the tarsier, the Loboc River Cruise, old churches and the beach. DONE!
14. Go high! Drive to the Mountain Province of Sagada. Check out the caves, the hanging coffins and enjoy the laidback lifestyle.
15. Grab a Viaje del Sol map, visit Ugu Binyan’s pottery studio, eat at Kusina Salud and unwind at Casa San Pablo. Want to do this with family this year :)
16. Spend an entire week up north. Take a road trip from Manila to Vigan, Ilocos, Cagayan Valley, Aparri and Isabela!
17. Try wakeboarding in Camsur. DONE!
18. Check out Malate, Old Manila and all their secret spots.
19. There are many reasons to love Davao. Kublai’s artworks, its proximity to the beach, the tasty pastil and juicy suha. And did I mention that it’s a smoke-free city? DONE!
20. Spend a weekend roughing it in Anawangin and Capones in Zambales.
21. Check out our colorful fiestas and document them with your camera. Ati-atihan, Dinagyang, Masskara, Sinulog, Higantes, Panagbenga and more.
22. Pick your own strawberries at the Strawberry Fields in La Trinidad, Benguet.
23. Go to Pampanga for sisig.
24. If it’s too hot in Manila, grab a few friends and take a quick trip to Tagaytay. DONE!
25. Enjoy a food trip in Iloilo. You’ll never go hungry in this city.

Monday, December 27, 2010

2011... love?

Looking back at the past years i realized that each year has a general theme to it.

2009 - Eat
2010 - Pray
2011 - Love? Sana! :P

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Back where I started

The theme of 2010 is searching and self discovery.
I wanted to be fearless and not hold back. I took chances. I tried things out of my comfort zone. I sought ways to learn new things. I searched for my spirituality. I found happiness in myself and in a developing relationship with God. I was happy being fearless, I was falling in love. But now, I find myself not necessarily back exactly at my starting point, but at some point resembling the start. I'm unsure what makes me happy, what i want to do. But now I'm different. I've changed over the year. In my journey of self discovery, I'm discovering the selfish Sarah. Or is it that I have evolved into a selfish form of myself? (not like i was not selfish before, but there's a new facet to it now). In trying to know what makes ME happy, it what drives ME, developing ME, I might have put too much focus on ME. I'm happy that I can now feed the wants I have and not over think of the implications on my image or what I must do... I do things because I want or feel like it. However I have come to lose the part of connection with others. Too much focus on me, I lost focus on relationships with other people. I have put myself at the top and have been unable to balance the implications of my actions and wants to how I treat others.  I find that sad, but the feeling of regret is not so strong. I'm still trying to seek balance in not being consumed by what others think, and pleasing others and being able to acknowledge my own wants.

I feel that I'm back to where I started in terms of direction. I don't have a clear direction where to go from here. But i'm a different person now... hopefully a better, more rounded person.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

‎"Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile."

Monday, October 25, 2010

feel the fear and do it anyway

I just love the line... Something I will challenge myself to. I'm always afraid eh. :(

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Eat Pray Love

 "A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

day off!

I was supposed to fly to Rome from Sept 23 to Oct 1 for the beatification of Chiara Luce Badano. Arrangements like visa and passport didn't quite fall into place but nevertheless I was able to know about her beautiful life and in a way maybe that was God's intention. :)

I still am taking a week off from work even if the trip is cancelled. It's MEEEE TIMEEE!
Things I have lined up:

• exercise time - daily yoga at eastwood
• go to the mall and spend girl time with Lalee and Mama
• John Mayer concert
• spend time with friends - badminton with LD, meetups with HS friends
• create the australia blurb book
• take time to pray and feed my soul

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What is your phantom?

Some notes from the sessions i'm attending at Loyola school of theology..

1. Need to be perfect - BEING LIKE GOD
     creating order based on rules
     this is very common
     people who follow doctrines per word (bookish, en punto)
     when essentially God asked us 2 things only - to love God above all things and love our neighbor like how God loves them
     there is a drive to be worthy, but the right idea is that we are in a constant cycle to perfection (but never actually reach that)
2. Need to be needed - SERVICE
     becomes wrong when you think/demand something in return after
3. Need to succeed (or seem successful) - IMAGE
     creates the need to have a mask to cover our ugly side
     we are driven by society's definition of successful (money, position)
4. Need to be special - DIFFERENT / UNIQUE
     common in artists
5. Need to be analytic - INTELLIGENCE
     we think we can control the world through our intelligence
6. Need to be safe & secure - FEAR
     what are you afraid of?
7. Need to do everything well - MAKE THINGS HAPPEN
     when you over do it (too many things), you tend not to focus and not to do things well
     you have a tendency for "flight" when something goes wrong
     counter phobic: when you are afraid of something you take control and turn things around and counter attack
8. Need to lead / control - ORDER based on IDEOLOGY (and justice)
     we want things our way and impose this on others
     danger: pairing up with #2. One serves the other leads
9. Need to be comfortable - PEACE

These are not necessarily bad as long as you do not associate your identity and soul to it. You just have to be yourself. It is important to watch your motives: right deed but wrong reason is still a wrong deed. It's wrong if you do these things for yourself...it should be for others!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

i want to fall in love with YOU

I still feel disconnected from Him. 
One time i felt while praying if i'm talking to God ba talaga or to myself lang.
I've been complacent in developing my relationship with Him. 
I've been distracted.
I want to fall in love with Him.
I don't know how.


I want to have a deep and tangible relationship with Him.
I want to truly know that my faith is not just in my head, but in my heart.
I want to feel connected.


I almost started crying when Ailen and myself talked today. Some of the things she said hit very close to home.


Florendo, Ailen:
yeah i know the feeling....work/diff activities tend to eat you up and leaving you empty inside....so its really important that you have the 1:1 with God everyday so that you'll know what to do, how to react, etc. we have to pray to God ..have that conversation with so that we share all our concerns, worries, joys with Him
but the good news is begin and begin again. now is a good oppurtunity...dont wait for the talk in rockwell.
spend 10-15min a day conversing with God
[Me: yun ang prob eh.. parang sometimes i feel crazy and parang think if i'm just talking to myself]
nah God will give you the necessary grace
trying to talk with him is the first step....maybe next  clearing away what hinders you from Him
di ba if you like someone you like to talk with him alot
think of it that way...have a sincere desire to like God because you know in HIm you will find true joy and peace
the joy and peace the the materialistic worlk cannot give

Thursday, June 10, 2010

blue, down, and out

it must be the hormones. PMS.
I hope it is coz I just want this over sensitive, emotional, negative, depressed stage to be over.

I don't get it. I don't get me. The slightest things make me feel disconnected from the people around me. It's like, I am retracting myself from what's happening around me in order to avoid being affected -- hurt. It's been a little roller coaster for me for only one aspect of my life...but 2 fridays ago, I noticed that I'd have non talkative moods that I wished I wasn't noticed at all at work. I'd choose the conversations and would not be sociable. Then there was last Friday that I became sensitive over a joke from Moe. I didn't realize that I was upset about it until after. It was like i was blocking out what happened while it was happening and I can't remember details. I just remember clearly that I said "not interested" and that was already sarcasm bordering nasty. I didn't deal with it well. Instead of trying to make things better with Moe when he apologized thru text, I continued to feel upset -- yet trying to get over it. It felt more like, trying to to feel anything.

And now, my shunning the world (or just 1 person), has escalated to being embarrassed that I got upset...and has made me feel weird, and cautious towards Moe. I'm not sure if he thinks i'm still mad...or i'm just not interacting with him. Pero it just feels weird to feel close to him like it was before. It's like i crossed a line and can't go back. And that also makes me just want to crawl back into my cave.

Mood swings, when are you going to end? I feel like the life got squeezed out of me. I feel cynical things in the real world will not go my way. It's like i'm waiting for the next mistake to come my way...and so i'm just crawling back into my cave.

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